Hipsters shortly before amputationYUM CHAR is so last week for the beautiful hip young things of Wellington. After a minor local celebrity had a tragic accident with a band saw recently, the shocking new must have for capital city hipsters is amputated thumbs.
From the Massey University College of Design, Fine Arts and Music to the bustling cafes of fatally cool Cuba St, only the elderly and terminally unfashionable are seen without freshly chopped digits.
Rabid Fire approached a young man dressed in day-glo retro 1980s jeans fumbling awkwardly with a latte in his newly crippled hands outside Midnight Espresso to ask what all the fuss was about.
"Like yeah brah, I was like not too buzzed at first, but then I heard that like Fat Freddie's Drop had all cut their thumbs off, so I just had to you know brah?" mumbled the youth.
"And I can still like, ride my longboard and shit brah, so it's cool eh," continued the utter douchebag until Rabid Fire's reporter threatened to punch him in the face if he said "brah" again.
All the rage in the capital of cultureWe then sent our man about town up to popular bohemian night spot Mighty Mighty to find it packed out like a sardine can full of wankers with thumbless hipsters. After he had finally managed to elbow his way to the bar, it took a man with an ironic child molester moustache and a cowboy shirt over an hour to pour him a beer due to his lack of thumbs, and that was after the regulation twenty minutes of ignoring him and ten minutes of "witty" banter with his mates stipulated in his contract. Our reporter was then asked to leave for still having thumbs.
Former Wellington Mayor and chronic attention whore Mark Blumsky said he was "down with the kids".
"This is almost as cool as when I tried to make falling down the stairs of my Cuba St apartment trendy several years ago," babbled the former shoe salesman.
"In fact, I've just come back from forcibly cutting off the thumbs of my entire family, as we're always up to the minute with what's happening downtown," he said, producing a blood stained saw.
Prendergast yesterdayWellington Mayor Kerry Prendergast said she had no plans to cut her own thumbs off, but had set up a small thumb sized guillotine in Civic Square and was "excited" at the prospect of personally amputating the thumbs of locals and tourists alike.
"It's fresh ideas like this that keep Wellington the culture capital on the cutting edge of fashion, and I absolutely, positively endorse people hurting themselves to keep us on the map. I believe the Germans call this schadenfreude," she intoned through her frightening rictus grin before cackling evilly and biting the head off a pigeon.
NZ GUTTER PRESS
And that cutting edge of fashion Kerry is dressed in is actually a disguise for a set of wings - designed to whisk her mate Terry away when the creditors really start to bite - even though its taken them nearly 3 years. She finds the dual lapels a far more efficient and effective than a nurses uniform and broomstick.
ReplyDeleteShe has a secret lair in the Rimutakas and she will clasp Terry lovingly in her talons as she sweeps him majestically to safety.
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