SEREPISOS: I'LL TAKE MY TOYS AND GO HOME

You're all ungrateful wretches

WELLINGTON based property tycoon Terry Serepisos is beside himself with grief and bewilderment after having been exposed as owing $2 million in rates to Wellington City Council.

"Why? Why are people being so mean to me," sobbed an inconsolable Serepisos, his bitter tears mingling with the sparkling water of the dollar sign shaped swimming pool adorning his lavish home.

"After all I've done for this city, after I generously offered to host a bad local knock off of The Apprentice and after all those selfless photo opportunities," cried the multi-millionaire, blowing his nose into a genuine gold leaf hanky, "I even hugged John Key," he blubbered.

"I'm the S to the Pisos man!"

Our reporter then followed the distraught Serepisos inside, bling clanking, where he sat down at his desk beneath a large portrait of himself smiling benignly in a Wellington Phoenix uniform and sighed.

"I used to have some respect in this city," said the property developer forcefully, "But now my reputation is in tatters, and all over a measly two million dollars."

"Two million ain't shit to the S to the Pisos man!" he added.

"Anyway, you're all ungrateful wretches, and you're not the boss of me, so if you all keep being mean I'll just take my football team and go home, and then you'll all be really sorry. You'll all be like, I wish we weren't such bastards to the S to the Pisos man, 'cos his football team was fully sick."

Serepisos, now suddenly relaxed, then leaned back in his chair, a serene grin playing across his face.

Several minutes later Wellington mayor Kerry Prendergast emerged from beneath the slick magnate's desk, somewhat disheveled with her lipstick smeared, and told Rabid Fire that herself and the council were "working closely with Terry" to ensure that a deal could be reached.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

ALARMING NEW TREND SWEEPING WELLINGTON

Hipsters shortly before amputation

YUM CHAR is so last week for the beautiful hip young things of Wellington. After a minor local celebrity had a tragic accident with a band saw recently, the shocking new must have for capital city hipsters is amputated thumbs.

From the Massey University College of Design, Fine Arts and Music to the bustling cafes of fatally cool Cuba St, only the elderly and terminally unfashionable are seen without freshly chopped digits.

Rabid Fire approached a young man dressed in day-glo retro 1980s jeans fumbling awkwardly with a latte in his newly crippled hands outside Midnight Espresso to ask what all the fuss was about.

"Like yeah brah, I was like not too buzzed at first, but then I heard that like Fat Freddie's Drop had all cut their thumbs off, so I just had to you know brah?" mumbled the youth.

"And I can still like, ride my longboard and shit brah, so it's cool eh," continued the utter douchebag until Rabid Fire's reporter threatened to punch him in the face if he said "brah" again.

All the rage in the capital of culture

We then sent our man about town up to popular bohemian night spot Mighty Mighty to find it packed out like a sardine can full of wankers with thumbless hipsters. After he had finally managed to elbow his way to the bar, it took a man with an ironic child molester moustache and a cowboy shirt over an hour to pour him a beer due to his lack of thumbs, and that was after the regulation twenty minutes of ignoring him and ten minutes of "witty" banter with his mates stipulated in his contract. Our reporter was then asked to leave for still having thumbs.

Former Wellington Mayor and chronic attention whore Mark Blumsky said he was "down with the kids".

"This is almost as cool as when I tried to make falling down the stairs of my Cuba St apartment trendy several years ago," babbled the former shoe salesman.

"In fact, I've just come back from forcibly cutting off the thumbs of my entire family, as we're always up to the minute with what's happening downtown," he said, producing a blood stained saw.

Prendergast yesterday

Wellington Mayor Kerry Prendergast said she had no plans to cut her own thumbs off, but had set up a small thumb sized guillotine in Civic Square and was "excited" at the prospect of personally amputating the thumbs of locals and tourists alike.

"It's fresh ideas like this that keep Wellington the culture capital on the cutting edge of fashion, and I absolutely, positively endorse people hurting themselves to keep us on the map. I believe the Germans call this schadenfreude," she intoned through her frightening rictus grin before cackling evilly and biting the head off a pigeon.


NZ GUTTER PRESS