Snatched from his beach towel by militants from Jemaah Islamiah, Broad appeared pallid and sweaty in a grainy hostage video listing the terrorist group's hard line demands.
"Well this really takes the cake doesn't it," stammered Broad, jostled by balaclava clad Jihadists, "I almost feel a bit stupid for that whole Urerewa 18 fiasco now and all those bullshit charges. These blokes really mean business. They dumped a sack in here with me and it had the severed head of their last victim in it. Lost me bloody lunch."
At this point in the video Broad is heard to whisper, "I think they're trying to decide whether to cut my head off or just shoot me" before being cuffed to the ground by his captors, after which the tape fills with static and a dishevelled ex-Commissioner re-appears to assert the conditions that must be met lest he be sacrificed to the Holy Struggle against the Zionist Crusader Alliance.
"I'm honestly really really sorry for fitting a bunch of people up so I could try out my new tough guy anti-terrorist powers. I was so wrong. Can you guys back home cut a deal with these guys? Guys? Guys..."
NZ GUTTER PRESS