Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Voorkamp: Fell down stairs

Christchurch looter Arie Smith Voorkamp was denied diversion for a third time last week by police for the heinous crime of stealing two lightbulbs from a damaged building after the February 22 earthquake. This is now the last of the light fingered lad's worries as today, in a shock move, Inspector Derek Erasmus of the Christchurch police has called for his immediate public execution.

"We have concluded after researching a Facebook group full of several thousand baying, angry, semi-literate yet law abiding Cantabrians, that the only way to appease the damage done to the very heart of the city by Voorkamp is for him to pay with the ultimate penalty," grunted Inspector Erasmus in a hastily arranged press conference in front of some scenic ruins. "Let this also be a warning to any investigative reporters continuing to sew the seeds of dissent over this grave violation of public order," he continued, making a lynching gesture at the gathered media representatives.

Rabid Fire contacted CERA boss and supreme dictator of post-apocalyptic Christchurch Gerry Brownlee and pointed out the inconvenient fact that capital punishment in New Zealand was finally abolished for all offenses in 1989, and there had not been an execution since 1957.

"That is rubbish. The fact is that under the Canterbury Earthquake Recovery Act I have extraordinary powers justified by this unprecedented state of emergency, and that means I can execute whomever I like, so watch it," Brownlee stated.

Sinister Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said he "Couldn't be more enthusiastic" about the upcoming spectacle.

"This really will be the greatest thing for the Garden City since I paid a ridiculous amount of money for the Ellerslie Flower Show. We've got councellor Barry Corbett supervising the building of a gallows in Hagley Park as we speak. Barry is over the moon about this as he heartily endorsed the fatal stabbing of a teenage vandal several years ago and believes that this public display of justice will vindicate him from the shameful abuse he endured for that."

Parker has arranged for Christchurch rock heroes The Feelers and popera darling Hayley Westenra to perform in front of the scaffold to warm up the audience before Voorkamp is frog marched to his fate, and has contacted the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as "history shows the Royals love a good execution." The Mayor has also stated his intention to "Pull the lever myself, as much as Barry would love to, I think this has to be a job seen to be done by the head of the council."

Sensible Sentencing Trust spokesman Garth McVicar managed to stop masturbating furiously to prison movies long enough to release a statement about the planned execution.

"We are highly concerned about the method of execution being used. A long drop is far too good for this thieving scumbag. If he's not kicking about and pissing himself for at least fifteen minutes that sends exactly the wrong message to New Zealand. A swift and painless death is exactly the kind of soft liberal nonsense that has ruined this country. It's political correctness gone mad."


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