Tuesday, June 8, 2010


TVNZ: A culture of idiocy

BREAKFAST viewers this morning sprayed half chewed baked beans and toast all over their screens in disbelief and rage as the Most Wanted Terrorist In The World(tm) brazenly appeared in the studio poorly disguised as Santa Claus, with presenters completely oblivious to his chilling shenanigans - right in front of the PM.

Celebrity bigot and right wing extremist Paul Henry was performing his weekly lap dance and nude massage upon a beaming Prime Minister John Key whilst asking a series of patsy questions such as "Have you waved at anything nice this week," as bouncy titted co-host and vacuous strumpet Pippa Wetzell giggled inanely into the camera. So far, an ordinary morning on New Zealand's top rating, brain cell rotting breakfast infotainment show.

In the next few minutes however, the crash and tinkle of the nations tea cups collectively smashing on the lino was heard as the unthinkable happened. As the controversial Henry gyrated erotically about the Prime Ministerial groin area, a moon eyed Wetzell announced that Santa Claus himself was about to enter the studio to discuss the effects of the world wide economic meltdown on elves at the North Pole. Instead of the jolly fat man in red, in strode the evil mastermind of the global Al Qaeda terrorist network believed to be responsible for 911, and in fact, stealing Christmas.

As New Zealand reached for their asthma inhalers, Henry, Wetzell, and Key made meaningless small talk with the evil genius, utterly unaware of his true identity. Henry, sitting snug on the Prime Minister's lap, asked if he could set fire to some orphans this December as the country's leader chuckled indulgently, and Wetzell cooed at the monster and asked what his plans would be this coming holiday season.

Neither the ersatz Santa's reply of "Kill the infidel and bring the western satanic crusader zionist alliance to it's knees like a sick dog," nor his repeated statement of "Death to America", nor the fact that it is June, raised any eyebrows at all.

Viewers who had not yet spontaneously combusted jammed the TVNZ switchboard with their complaints, and video of the debacle was swiftly removed from the state owned broadcaster's website.

Later tonight, Close Up is expected to bump a story about a ten kilometre wide asteroid on a collision course with Earth for a live studio appearance from the wretched presenters and the Prime Minister where they will be given a light telling off by performing walrus Mark Sainsbury.

Academics and serious media critics cried foul over TVNZ's culture of idiocy to deafening silence, as New Zealand turned off the telly and went down the fucking pub.


1 comment:

  1. I had to look twice at the date you wrote this. I missed the whole Bin Laden incident as I don't really give a shit about TV shows before 5 pm.