Thursday, April 29, 2010


Collins: Total war

Minister Judith Collins announced today that following the raids on Switched On Gardener and various other stores selling hydroponic gear that the illegal cannabis industry in New Zealand was "Completely destroyed".

Furthermore, a riding crop wielding Collins then went on to reveal that this was only the first step in a "total war" against the plant, and that measures taken against businesses selling growing equipment were only just the opening volley.

"We will not stop until we have succeeded in nothing less than complete genocide against this filthy weed," said Collins sternly, pumping a clenched fist into the air, "Consider yourselves under surveillance scum. We will no longer allow your sly and indolent toking to hold back the productiveness of our society. We are coming to get you all."

The unsmiling authoritarian then brought up an overhead projection of what appeared to be a large shed and several steel tanks surrounded by barbed wire, all emblazoned with the National Party logo.

"This crackdown comes with a compassionate face, as we are not completely inhuman," continued the Police Minister, her face contorting briefly into a something approaching a horrifying parody of a grin, "Suspected drug users will be taken to rehabilitation facilities like this prototype outside of Blenheim, where work will make them free from their addiction. Those who fail to make a full recovery will be humanely processed into fertilizer to grow more grass upon our nation's glorious dairy farms."

Pope: No quarter

Deputy Police Commissioner and all round spoil sport Rob Pope was quoted by Rabid Fire as saying that there would be "No quarter" in the battle to crack down upon precursor materials to cannabis cultivation and enablers of the illicit industry.

"We will be taking a zero tolerance approach to materials such as dirt, fertiliser, pots, sunlight, water and greenhouses. No exceptions, no excuses."

Rabid Fire's on the spot roving street team later followed a squad of heavily armed anti-terrorist police to a seemingly innocent suburban flat where all manner of contraband equipment was seized.

Mavis Thompson, 86, a pensioner, had to be tackled to the ground, tased and repeatedly pepper sprayed by police before she would allow access to her greenhouse.

"It's just tomatoes," she was heard to cry insolently as the windows of her flat were smashed out with PR 24 long batons and her vicious cat Tiddles was shot for nuzzling against an officer's leg.

"Shut the fuck up bitch," the squad leader snapped heroically as the law breaking senior citizen was bundled into the back of a waiting paddy wagon, "You're going down for a very long time."


No comments:

Post a Comment