AN angry Nick Smith lashed out at critics yesterday who have had the tenacity to suggest that the recent central government sacking of the ECan board and suspension of elections until at least 2013 had anything at all to do with all the fines his brother's dodgy crane business racked up under the old regional environment council.
"The fact that my brother Tim threw a $16,000 wobbly over a shed and said 'you useless bastards I'll get my brother onto you' has absolutely nothing at all to do with the recent suspension of democracy in Canterbury in any way whatsoever," panted Smith, his eyes wandering in separate directions.
"I am shocked and appalled that the usual critics and trouble makers would imply that anyone in this government would subvert democracy for business interests, let alone family members with business interests, and any suggestion that this is in any way corrupt not only hurts me, it hurts my brother, and it hurts cranes, and it hurts New Zealand," spluttered the unstable Nelson MP, quaking and turning even redder than usual.
"Sometimes people just don't vote properly and to implement democracy sometimes you've got to take it away from people because that's my interpretation of my mandate and the democratic thing to do or something," Smith railed, by this point in tears and standing on a table.
"That's what Rodney Hide told me anyway," he shrieked indignantly as he was then helped into a straight jacket and taken away by aides.
Hide: Loves his democracy
Rabid Fire tracked down Rodney Hide to his secret lair under an extinct volcano in Auckland where he was lying naked on a large marble slab under a giant ACT logo, being basted in orange body paint by nubile blonde interns.
"Now lets just try to remain calm about this situation," boomed Hide, "Sometimes people don't vote for our mates which any reasonable person can see is highly undemocratic, and that's when the government must step in to maintain a business environment free of government interference by interfering with the local government. Of course the PC lobby will see that as corrupt and hypocritical but our God is hungry and demands sacrifice."
Hide then rolled over, exposing a monstrous erection and laughing insanely.
"We will be greeted as liberators."
NZ GUTTER PRESS