Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Bainimarama: Not impressed

FOREIGN Minister Murray McCully has allegedly approached Fijian strong man Commodore Frank Bainimarama to head up the sacked Ecan regional council in Canterbury, much to the military dictator's bemusement.

An undercover Rabid Fire reporter definitely not rorting Rabid Fire expenses for a tropical holiday followed McCully to Fiji and somewhat unconvincingly disguised as a member of the Fijian military with a boom mike extending suspiciously from his trousers, recorded the following conversation.

McCully: Commodore Bainimarama, I come here with an urgent request, we in our country have a troublesome province and need an interim regime set up until we decide to have elections again some time in the future.

Bainimarama: Who let you in here?

McCully: I have it on the best authority that you, Commodore Bainimarama, are an expert at emergency interim regimes, and humbly request your presence in New Zealand.

Bainimarama: Just a minute, aren't you that honky prick who's been telling me off for the last year or so for just these things?

McCully: Well it wasn't just me...

Bainimarama: Yeah, well there was that other bloke, what's his face, the boring one, but you're still a fuckwit mate...

McCully: Look, could you just sort this out for us and we'll forget about everything. It's all just been a terrible misunderstanding.

Bainimarama: So it's alright when you do it then. Mind you if it happens in the Pacific it's all your business and you're up in arms mate.

McCully: Now look, it wasn't like that at all, we're just facing a situation, an emergency situation that calls for level heads and firm decision making and...

Bainimarama: Look at you now when you got all up in my face just not so long ago. If a black man does it then...

McCully: Are you calling me a racist?

Bainimarama: Oh no mate, it's not like when I do this shit I'm a power hungry monster and when you do it it's all a reasonable situation mate. Nah mate. Not at all.

McCully: So is that a no?

Bainimarama: It's not a bloody coup when you do it is it? Just a bit of a management issue. Fuck off.

McCully: So is that still a no then?

Our undercover reporter's recording cut off soon after this point, and alarmingly our correspondent then went missing for several days. He then fortunately was located in a medical clinic near a local tourist resort having his stomach pumped and a cocktail umbrella removed from his left buttock.



  1. McCulley is a Cheeky Little um Whiteman isn't he?
    Still. Many atrue word.....

  2. Stop, my stomach hurts from laughing!

    You got to do a headline "Crafar goes To Ecan"

    "Alan Crafar informed NZPA that Dame Margaret had swung the deal to lend $200 million by throwing in the Environment Canterbury Pollution Hotline van.....

  3. Sacking an elected board and getting a Dame in there. It's all a bit feudal.

  4. Be very careful Mr Rabid Fire... or I'll sik a Crosbie Walsh onto ya - or even a Robie. What a viscous unwarranted attack that is completely without foundation, lacks balance, and...ummm...anyway, ya jus dun unna stand!

  5. No please. Anything but a Crosbie Walsh. Next thing you'll be threatening me with the Comfy Chair.