CANNABIS INDUSTRY COMPLETELY DESTROYED

Collins: Total war

POLICE Minister Judith Collins announced today that following the raids on Switched On Gardener and various other stores selling hydroponic gear that the illegal cannabis industry in New Zealand was "Completely destroyed".

Furthermore, a riding crop wielding Collins then went on to reveal that this was only the first step in a "total war" against the plant, and that measures taken against businesses selling growing equipment were only just the opening volley.

"We will not stop until we have succeeded in nothing less than complete genocide against this filthy weed," said Collins sternly, pumping a clenched fist into the air, "Consider yourselves under surveillance scum. We will no longer allow your sly and indolent toking to hold back the productiveness of our society. We are coming to get you all."

The unsmiling authoritarian then brought up an overhead projection of what appeared to be a large shed and several steel tanks surrounded by barbed wire, all emblazoned with the National Party logo.

"This crackdown comes with a compassionate face, as we are not completely inhuman," continued the Police Minister, her face contorting briefly into a something approaching a horrifying parody of a grin, "Suspected drug users will be taken to rehabilitation facilities like this prototype outside of Blenheim, where work will make them free from their addiction. Those who fail to make a full recovery will be humanely processed into fertilizer to grow more grass upon our nation's glorious dairy farms."

Pope: No quarter

Deputy Police Commissioner and all round spoil sport Rob Pope was quoted by Rabid Fire as saying that there would be "No quarter" in the battle to crack down upon precursor materials to cannabis cultivation and enablers of the illicit industry.

"We will be taking a zero tolerance approach to materials such as dirt, fertiliser, pots, sunlight, water and greenhouses. No exceptions, no excuses."

Rabid Fire's on the spot roving street team later followed a squad of heavily armed anti-terrorist police to a seemingly innocent suburban flat where all manner of contraband equipment was seized.

Mavis Thompson, 86, a pensioner, had to be tackled to the ground, tased and repeatedly pepper sprayed by police before she would allow access to her greenhouse.

"It's just tomatoes," she was heard to cry insolently as the windows of her flat were smashed out with PR 24 long batons and her vicious cat Tiddles was shot for nuzzling against an officer's leg.

"Shut the fuck up bitch," the squad leader snapped heroically as the law breaking senior citizen was bundled into the back of a waiting paddy wagon, "You're going down for a very long time."

NZ GUTTER PRESS

SEREPISOS: I'LL TAKE MY TOYS AND GO HOME

You're all ungrateful wretches

WELLINGTON based property tycoon Terry Serepisos is beside himself with grief and bewilderment after having been exposed as owing $2 million in rates to Wellington City Council.

"Why? Why are people being so mean to me," sobbed an inconsolable Serepisos, his bitter tears mingling with the sparkling water of the dollar sign shaped swimming pool adorning his lavish home.

"After all I've done for this city, after I generously offered to host a bad local knock off of The Apprentice and after all those selfless photo opportunities," cried the multi-millionaire, blowing his nose into a genuine gold leaf hanky, "I even hugged John Key," he blubbered.

"I'm the S to the Pisos man!"

Our reporter then followed the distraught Serepisos inside, bling clanking, where he sat down at his desk beneath a large portrait of himself smiling benignly in a Wellington Phoenix uniform and sighed.

"I used to have some respect in this city," said the property developer forcefully, "But now my reputation is in tatters, and all over a measly two million dollars."

"Two million ain't shit to the S to the Pisos man!" he added.

"Anyway, you're all ungrateful wretches, and you're not the boss of me, so if you all keep being mean I'll just take my football team and go home, and then you'll all be really sorry. You'll all be like, I wish we weren't such bastards to the S to the Pisos man, 'cos his football team was fully sick."

Serepisos, now suddenly relaxed, then leaned back in his chair, a serene grin playing across his face.

Several minutes later Wellington mayor Kerry Prendergast emerged from beneath the slick magnate's desk, somewhat disheveled with her lipstick smeared, and told Rabid Fire that herself and the council were "working closely with Terry" to ensure that a deal could be reached.

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FRANK BAINIMARAMA APPROACHED TO HEAD INTERIM ECAN REGIME

Bainimarama: Not impressed

FOREIGN Minister Murray McCully has allegedly approached Fijian strong man Commodore Frank Bainimarama to head up the sacked Ecan regional council in Canterbury, much to the military dictator's bemusement.

An undercover Rabid Fire reporter definitely not rorting Rabid Fire expenses for a tropical holiday followed McCully to Fiji and somewhat unconvincingly disguised as a member of the Fijian military with a boom mike extending suspiciously from his trousers, recorded the following conversation.

McCully: Commodore Bainimarama, I come here with an urgent request, we in our country have a troublesome province and need an interim regime set up until we decide to have elections again some time in the future.

Bainimarama: Who let you in here?

McCully: I have it on the best authority that you, Commodore Bainimarama, are an expert at emergency interim regimes, and humbly request your presence in New Zealand.

Bainimarama: Just a minute, aren't you that honky prick who's been telling me off for the last year or so for just these things?

McCully: Well it wasn't just me...

Bainimarama: Yeah, well there was that other bloke, what's his face, the boring one, but you're still a fuckwit mate...

McCully: Look, could you just sort this out for us and we'll forget about everything. It's all just been a terrible misunderstanding.

Bainimarama: So it's alright when you do it then. Mind you if it happens in the Pacific it's all your business and you're up in arms mate.

McCully: Now look, it wasn't like that at all, we're just facing a situation, an emergency situation that calls for level heads and firm decision making and...

Bainimarama: Look at you now when you got all up in my face just not so long ago. If a black man does it then...

McCully: Are you calling me a racist?

Bainimarama: Oh no mate, it's not like when I do this shit I'm a power hungry monster and when you do it it's all a reasonable situation mate. Nah mate. Not at all.

McCully: So is that a no?

Bainimarama: It's not a bloody coup when you do it is it? Just a bit of a management issue. Fuck off.

McCully: So is that still a no then?

Our undercover reporter's recording cut off soon after this point, and alarmingly our correspondent then went missing for several days. He then fortunately was located in a medical clinic near a local tourist resort having his stomach pumped and a cocktail umbrella removed from his left buttock.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

ECAN SACKING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH NICK SMITH'S BROTHER IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER

Nick Smith: Angry

AN angry Nick Smith lashed out at critics yesterday who have had the tenacity to suggest that the recent central government sacking of the ECan board and suspension of elections until at least 2013 had anything at all to do with all the fines his brother's dodgy crane business racked up under the old regional environment council.

"The fact that my brother Tim threw a $16,000 wobbly over a shed and said 'you useless bastards I'll get my brother onto you' has absolutely nothing at all to do with the recent suspension of democracy in Canterbury in any way whatsoever," panted Smith, his eyes wandering in separate directions.

"I am shocked and appalled that the usual critics and trouble makers would imply that anyone in this government would subvert democracy for business interests, let alone family members with business interests, and any suggestion that this is in any way corrupt not only hurts me, it hurts my brother, and it hurts cranes, and it hurts New Zealand," spluttered the unstable Nelson MP, quaking and turning even redder than usual.

"Sometimes people just don't vote properly and to implement democracy sometimes you've got to take it away from people because that's my interpretation of my mandate and the democratic thing to do or something," Smith railed, by this point in tears and standing on a table.

"That's what Rodney Hide told me anyway," he shrieked indignantly as he was then helped into a straight jacket and taken away by aides.

Hide: Loves his democracy

Rabid Fire tracked down Rodney Hide to his secret lair under an extinct volcano in Auckland where he was lying naked on a large marble slab under a giant ACT logo, being basted in orange body paint by nubile blonde interns.

"Now lets just try to remain calm about this situation," boomed Hide, "Sometimes people don't vote for our mates which any reasonable person can see is highly undemocratic, and that's when the government must step in to maintain a business environment free of government interference by interfering with the local government. Of course the PC lobby will see that as corrupt and hypocritical but our God is hungry and demands sacrifice."

Hide then rolled over, exposing a monstrous erection and laughing insanely.

"We will be greeted as liberators."

NZ GUTTER PRESS

KEY "WETTING HIMSELF" OVER NUCLEAR SECURITY SUMMIT

Key: "I think a bit of wee came out"

PRIME Minister John Key addressed the usual throng of worn out hacks last week about his highly anticipated visit to Washington DC for the upcoming nuclear security summit.

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" exclaimed a wide eyed Key.

"I think a bit of wee came out", he blushed, suddenly looking downcast and agitated.

But the PM soon brightened, opening the Prime Ministerial lunchbox to show the press gallery his special lunch.

"Look! Look! Bronagh's made me special aeroplane shaped sandwiches for when I go on the aeroplane!"

Key, holding a special aeroplane shaped sandwich in each hand, then swung the bread and egg salad based sculptures above his head, beaming joyously.

"VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!," the PM said pointedly.

"When I go to America," said Key importantly, "I'm going to meet Mr Vice President, and maybe if I'm a very good boy I might get to meet Mr President, who's a very important big man."

"A very long time ago some naughty people wouldn't play with the Americans and they couldn't bring their boats here anymore. That made them sad and Mr. Palmer says I should let them bring their boats back. I like boats!"

Key was then led away by his security detail, heard asking excitedly if he could draw another flag on a napkin again.

Prime Minister Key this week met with US Vice President Joe Biden and on his knees, told him how awesome he was and begged for deferential trade treatment. A puzzled Biden asked Secret Service personnel who had let the "guy who carries the Australian Prime Minister's golf clubs around in here", before being corrected as to Key's identity, to which he told the PM "Fuck off - I've got work to do."


NZ GUTTER PRESS

TIGER WOODS TO APOLOGISE FOR LAST APOLOGY IN ADVANCE OF NEXT MONTH'S APOLOGY

TIGER Woods is set to make a carefully stage managed apology for his last apology. Woods watchers believe this is to clear the ground for the public apology he has planned for next month.

Wood's New Zealand born caddy and professional gimp Steve Williams told Rabid Fire that the fallen idol was undergoing intensive training sessions in such expert maneuvers as "staring at his feet", "looking ashamed of himself", and "wiping away a solitary tear and sniffing".

The world famous pussy hound is expected to apologise profusely for the apparent insincerity of his prior apology, and promise that his next orchestrated grovelling session will pull out all the stops, and may even involve a shirtless Woods flagellating himself with a cat o' nine tails and wailing incoherently.

Sports commentator and shameless sycophant Ronald D Arselicker said that, "This is just the prelude to what may be the most spectacular and selfless act of self sacrifice and humility by a billionaire playboy that the world has ever seen. I shall certainly be glued to my TV, most likely masturbating furiously."

"Lest we forget, Tiger's ill advised putting of his penis in places that violated his marriage vows have also cost his corporate sponsors millions of dollars in product placement. Nobody even thought of them, and I think that should be a big concern for us all, " droned the starry eyed twat as our reporter rapidly lost interest in his deluded ramblings.

Rabid Fire was unable to obtain information as to whether Woods would also apologise for the whole fiasco being a complete and utter attention seeking waste of everybody's time at the time of going to press.


NZ GUTTER PRESS

ALARMING NEW TREND SWEEPING WELLINGTON

Hipsters shortly before amputation

YUM CHAR is so last week for the beautiful hip young things of Wellington. After a minor local celebrity had a tragic accident with a band saw recently, the shocking new must have for capital city hipsters is amputated thumbs.

From the Massey University College of Design, Fine Arts and Music to the bustling cafes of fatally cool Cuba St, only the elderly and terminally unfashionable are seen without freshly chopped digits.

Rabid Fire approached a young man dressed in day-glo retro 1980s jeans fumbling awkwardly with a latte in his newly crippled hands outside Midnight Espresso to ask what all the fuss was about.

"Like yeah brah, I was like not too buzzed at first, but then I heard that like Fat Freddie's Drop had all cut their thumbs off, so I just had to you know brah?" mumbled the youth.

"And I can still like, ride my longboard and shit brah, so it's cool eh," continued the utter douchebag until Rabid Fire's reporter threatened to punch him in the face if he said "brah" again.

All the rage in the capital of culture

We then sent our man about town up to popular bohemian night spot Mighty Mighty to find it packed out like a sardine can full of wankers with thumbless hipsters. After he had finally managed to elbow his way to the bar, it took a man with an ironic child molester moustache and a cowboy shirt over an hour to pour him a beer due to his lack of thumbs, and that was after the regulation twenty minutes of ignoring him and ten minutes of "witty" banter with his mates stipulated in his contract. Our reporter was then asked to leave for still having thumbs.

Former Wellington Mayor and chronic attention whore Mark Blumsky said he was "down with the kids".

"This is almost as cool as when I tried to make falling down the stairs of my Cuba St apartment trendy several years ago," babbled the former shoe salesman.

"In fact, I've just come back from forcibly cutting off the thumbs of my entire family, as we're always up to the minute with what's happening downtown," he said, producing a blood stained saw.

Prendergast yesterday

Wellington Mayor Kerry Prendergast said she had no plans to cut her own thumbs off, but had set up a small thumb sized guillotine in Civic Square and was "excited" at the prospect of personally amputating the thumbs of locals and tourists alike.

"It's fresh ideas like this that keep Wellington the culture capital on the cutting edge of fashion, and I absolutely, positively endorse people hurting themselves to keep us on the map. I believe the Germans call this schadenfreude," she intoned through her frightening rictus grin before cackling evilly and biting the head off a pigeon.


NZ GUTTER PRESS