LAWS FLOORED BY MYSTERY PUNCH

Laws: One hit wonder

CONTROVERSIAL ex-Whanganui mayor, talkback shit stirrer and celebrity bigot Michael Laws has been king hit by a mystery assailant in the back of a pub in the small North Island town. Local police are now at a loss as to who could have been responsible for landing the punch on the caustic columnist, who "squealed like a pig" according to witnesses.

Rabid Fire was informed by investigating officer Senior Sergeant Rangi Tupai that the case could be one of the most difficult to solve for Whanganui police in recent years.

"The problem is that there are so many potential suspects, not only here in Whanganui but throughout the whole country," Tupai informed our reporter, "At the scene Mr. Laws insisted it must have been local Maori, despite the fact that the one thing we do know is that the assailant was Pakeha. In fact, Mr. Laws was found by police in a hysterical state and would not stop ranting about Maori radicals and the letter H until he was administered near lethal doses of sedatives and anti-psychotics by ambulance staff."

Presently Laws himself is insisting that his puncher "must have been a gang member", something that has also drawn a reluctantly skeptical response from Senior Sergeant Tupai.

"To be perfectly honest there's quite a few gangs in Whanganui and they've had every opportunity to get Mr. Laws for years now. If they were really serious they could have picked him off from a passing car when he was out for a jog on numerous occasions. This does not look like the work of organised crime at this stage."

Senior Sergeant Tupai told Rabid Fire that police are widening their net to investigate every possibility.

"Witnesses to the assault have described a Pakeha male in a hoody, but police are taking the gender of the assailant as being speculative at this stage as Mr. Laws has been assaulted by females in the past and we have this on record," Tupai continued, "We have also asked witnesses if they recall anything unusual about the suspect's motion such as a limp, or if any wheelchairs had been seen in the vicinity of the bar, as Mr. Laws' fractious relationship with the disabled community is a potential line of enquiry."

A tired Senior Sergeant Tupai admitted that the job could be too big for Whanganui police alone.

"There is every possibility that the assailant traveled from outside Whanganui and we are at present co-operating with other police departments trying to track down every minority group Mr. Laws has insulted or slandered in the last 20 years, and have assembled a list of every tragedy he has exploited to scream bloody murder from his bully pulpit in the Sunday Star Times since its inception."

When asked if there were any prime suspects, Senior Sergeant Tupai informed Rabid Fire that, "At the moment we are leaning towards the theory that it was children from the Otaki primary school that Mr. Laws sent an abusive letter to several years ago, all standing on one another's shoulders in some oversized clothes impersonating an adult in a cunning surprise attack."

"If anyone knows anything please step forward and contact Whanganui police so this matter can be resolved quickly and quietly. Then at least the obnoxious little shit might shut up about it," he added.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

OBAMA STALKED BY "DELUSIONAL" NZ PM

KEY: Smitten

UNITED STATES President Barack Obama received an unexpected wake up call earlier this morning when he was serenaded from the White House lawn by a smitten New Zealand Prime Minister John Key. Key, supposedly in the US to individually fellate the entire executive board of Time Warner and chase an ever elusive free trade agreement, has been unhealthily obsessed with the 44th President of the United States for some time say experts. According to a Beehive insider, Key is said to have an entire wall of his office covered with newspaper and magazine clippings of Obama's face, and has written numerous letters to the Commander in Chief, believing himself and the leader of the Free World to be in an intimate relationship.

In an alarming breach of Capitol security, the obsessed leader of the obscure island nation is believed to have entered the White House grounds at dawn, where he then appeared beneath the President's window. There he stood with a large inflatable love heart and a portable stereo blasting the song "Love Bites" by 1980s stadium giants Def Leppard. Key is understood to have told NZ media that "Bronagh and I used to have some mean as roots" to the hit.

The disturbance at the Presidential residence has had DC awash with gossip.

"Heard there was some weird little dude on the Whitehouse lawn, hollerin' about how him and Obama was meant to be together, " recounted local man Leroy Jenkum, "Turns out he was the President of Tasmania or something. Motherfucker lucky he didn't get his ass killed."

Tourist Hank Scroocher of Minnesota witnessed tearful scenes as Key was escorted away by the Secret Service and was angry with what he saw. "I spend my hard earned money taking my wife and kids to see the greatest god damn capital city on God's earth and they see a god damn circus. If that guy the Prime Minister of Zanzibar or whoever he is can get in there that easy then I do not feel safe," ranted Scroocher, "What if radical Muslims, abortionists or members of the homosexual community were to get that close to the White House?" foamed the shaken witness, becoming visibly upset, "I do not want my children exposed to Obama's abortionistic liberal communazi death panels."

OBAMA: Embarassed

President Obama is said by Beltway sources to be "embarassed" about the incident.



NZ GUTTER PRESS

HARMLESS SENIOR ASSAULTED BY CRAZED RADICAL

Murdoch: Cuddly

GRANDFATHERLY media baron Rupert Murdoch patiently addressed the pointed questions of British MPs over the shameful News Of The World phone hacking scandal, his face a picture of hurt and concern. Moments later, the cuddly news mogul was viciously attacked with a shaving cream pie to the face by a cowardly and clearly unbalanced radical.

A frail and confused looking Murdoch wiped foam from his ancient and world weary visage, his loyal young wife still screaming for revenge, as the lunatic lefty UK Uncut activist Jonathan "Johnnie Marbles" May-Bowles was taken into custody, hopefully for a well deserved beating.

In the aftermath of the attack, British MPs admitted their shame at ever having put the mild mannered octogenarian in such a vulnerable position.

"Just looking at Mr. Murdoch sitting their quivering like a sick elderly turtle should be enough to advertise the man's innocence in this whole unfortunate affair to any decent person," said the Conservative member for Burley upon Pratt Sir Humphrey Lewington Barnyard Traditional Country Pursuits OBE.

Support for the stricken geriatric went across the house, as normally fiery backbench rebel Labour MP Stanley "Pickled Egg" Harris stated that "How anyone could think this kind, sweet man, this working class hero, could have known anything about the sickening deletion of personal messages from a dead teenager's phone after seeing him nearly snap like a dry twig in the wind from the force of that pie is completely beyond me."

British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to release a statement in the next few days to the effect that Rupert Murdoch will no longer have to answer any difficult questions relating to this "beastly business" or indeed anything else for the rest of his natural life by Royal Decree.

Mr. Murdoch's family and legions of minions are believed to be standing by the beloved patriarch at this difficult time, at least the ones who have not turned up dead yet.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

CHRISTCHURCH LOOTER TO BE PUBLICLY EXECUTED

Voorkamp: Fell down stairs

AUTISTIC Christchurch looter Arie Smith Voorkamp was denied diversion for a third time last week by police for the heinous crime of stealing two lightbulbs from a damaged building after the February 22 earthquake. This is now the last of the light fingered lad's worries as today, in a shock move, Inspector Derek Erasmus of the Christchurch police has called for his immediate public execution.

"We have concluded after researching a Facebook group full of several thousand baying, angry, semi-literate yet law abiding Cantabrians, that the only way to appease the damage done to the very heart of the city by Voorkamp is for him to pay with the ultimate penalty," grunted Inspector Erasmus in a hastily arranged press conference in front of some scenic ruins. "Let this also be a warning to any investigative reporters continuing to sew the seeds of dissent over this grave violation of public order," he continued, making a lynching gesture at the gathered media representatives.

Rabid Fire contacted CERA boss and supreme dictator of post-apocalyptic Christchurch Gerry Brownlee and pointed out the inconvenient fact that capital punishment in New Zealand was finally abolished for all offenses in 1989, and there had not been an execution since 1957.

"That is rubbish. The fact is that under the Canterbury Earthquake Recovery Act I have extraordinary powers justified by this unprecedented state of emergency, and that means I can execute whomever I like, so watch it," Brownlee stated.

Sinister Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said he "Couldn't be more enthusiastic" about the upcoming spectacle.

"This really will be the greatest thing for the Garden City since I paid a ridiculous amount of money for the Ellerslie Flower Show. We've got councellor Barry Corbett supervising the building of a gallows in Hagley Park as we speak. Barry is over the moon about this as he heartily endorsed the fatal stabbing of a teenage vandal several years ago and believes that this public display of justice will vindicate him from the shameful abuse he endured for that."

Parker has arranged for Christchurch rock heroes The Feelers and popera darling Hayley Westenra to perform in front of the scaffold to warm up the audience before Voorkamp is frog marched to his fate, and has contacted the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as "history shows the Royals love a good execution." The Mayor has also stated his intention to "Pull the lever myself, as much as Barry would love to, I think this has to be a job seen to be done by the head of the council."

Sensible Sentencing Trust spokesman Garth McVicar managed to stop masturbating furiously to prison movies long enough to release a statement about the planned execution.

"We are highly concerned about the method of execution being used. A long drop is far too good for this thieving scumbag. If he's not kicking about and pissing himself for at least fifteen minutes that sends exactly the wrong message to New Zealand. A swift and painless death is exactly the kind of soft liberal nonsense that has ruined this country. It's political correctness gone mad."

NZ GUTTER PRESS

BIN LADEN BREAKFAST BLUNDER

TVNZ: A culture of idiocy

BREAKFAST viewers this morning sprayed half chewed baked beans and toast all over their screens in disbelief and rage as the Most Wanted Terrorist In The World(tm) brazenly appeared in the studio poorly disguised as Santa Claus, with presenters completely oblivious to his chilling shenanigans - right in front of the PM.

Celebrity bigot and right wing extremist Paul Henry was performing his weekly lap dance and nude massage upon a beaming Prime Minister John Key whilst asking a series of patsy questions such as "Have you waved at anything nice this week," as bouncy titted co-host and vacuous strumpet Pippa Wetzell giggled inanely into the camera. So far, an ordinary morning on New Zealand's top rating, brain cell rotting breakfast infotainment show.

In the next few minutes however, the crash and tinkle of the nations tea cups collectively smashing on the lino was heard as the unthinkable happened. As the controversial Henry gyrated erotically about the Prime Ministerial groin area, a moon eyed Wetzell announced that Santa Claus himself was about to enter the studio to discuss the effects of the world wide economic meltdown on elves at the North Pole. Instead of the jolly fat man in red, in strode the evil mastermind of the global Al Qaeda terrorist network believed to be responsible for 911, and in fact, stealing Christmas.

As New Zealand reached for their asthma inhalers, Henry, Wetzell, and Key made meaningless small talk with the evil genius, utterly unaware of his true identity. Henry, sitting snug on the Prime Minister's lap, asked if he could set fire to some orphans this December as the country's leader chuckled indulgently, and Wetzell cooed at the monster and asked what his plans would be this coming holiday season.

Neither the ersatz Santa's reply of "Kill the infidel and bring the western satanic crusader zionist alliance to it's knees like a sick dog," nor his repeated statement of "Death to America", nor the fact that it is June, raised any eyebrows at all.

Viewers who had not yet spontaneously combusted jammed the TVNZ switchboard with their complaints, and video of the debacle was swiftly removed from the state owned broadcaster's website.

Later tonight, Close Up is expected to bump a story about a ten kilometre wide asteroid on a collision course with Earth for a live studio appearance from the wretched presenters and the Prime Minister where they will be given a light telling off by performing walrus Mark Sainsbury.

Academics and serious media critics cried foul over TVNZ's culture of idiocy to deafening silence, as New Zealand turned off the telly and went down the fucking pub.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

NAKED BROWNLEE TERRORISES THAMES

"I have a great love for the conservation estate in this country."

ENERGY and Resources Minister Gerry Brownlee mortified residents of Thames today as he rampaged naked through the Coromandel Peninsula township, seemingly completely oblivious to the screams of horror emanating from locals as he jogged sweatily up the main street, waving, winking and attempting to shake hands with residents, several of whom were later treated for shock.

During the six hour long ordeal, the unsuspecting people of Thames were subjected to Brownlee:

• Brazenly manipulating his stubby genitalia at local Iwi whilst shouting something about a "hui" with the Hauraki Kaumatua Kaunihera Council whom he invited to "discuss views about opening up conservation land for mining," as he bounced clumsily from foot to foot in a depraved and insulting dance of quivering buttocks.

• Urinating on several revered landmarks whilst casually yelling at fleeing passersby about "respect for the environment and New Zealand's clean green image" but "ensuring maximum opportunities for economic growth."

• Defecating in the foyer of the Shortland Court motel as staff openly vomited, as he told them how they too could be a God's Own paradise of the kind only known in Waihi, before stomping back out on the street, uprooting a tree and wiping his besplattered arse with it.

• Engaging in shameless public sexual intercourse with a parking meter, all the while raving deliriously about surgical keyhole mining before smashing the machine open and absconding with the coinage inside.
  

The crazed MP finally collapsed into a spent heap in the middle of Queen St, covered in a foul mixture of his own bodily fluids and ravaged bits of earth, before a small boy bravely approached to tell him he was naked and lying in his own filth on the side of the road.

Rabid Fire would like to thank the brave Daggers for daring to approach the deranged politician closely enough to obtain the photographic evidence used in this article. As Billy Ray Cyrus once said, some gave all.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

CANNABIS INDUSTRY COMPLETELY DESTROYED

Collins: Total war

POLICE Minister Judith Collins announced today that following the raids on Switched On Gardener and various other stores selling hydroponic gear that the illegal cannabis industry in New Zealand was "Completely destroyed".

Furthermore, a riding crop wielding Collins then went on to reveal that this was only the first step in a "total war" against the plant, and that measures taken against businesses selling growing equipment were only just the opening volley.

"We will not stop until we have succeeded in nothing less than complete genocide against this filthy weed," said Collins sternly, pumping a clenched fist into the air, "Consider yourselves under surveillance scum. We will no longer allow your sly and indolent toking to hold back the productiveness of our society. We are coming to get you all."

The unsmiling authoritarian then brought up an overhead projection of what appeared to be a large shed and several steel tanks surrounded by barbed wire, all emblazoned with the National Party logo.

"This crackdown comes with a compassionate face, as we are not completely inhuman," continued the Police Minister, her face contorting briefly into a something approaching a horrifying parody of a grin, "Suspected drug users will be taken to rehabilitation facilities like this prototype outside of Blenheim, where work will make them free from their addiction. Those who fail to make a full recovery will be humanely processed into fertilizer to grow more grass upon our nation's glorious dairy farms."

Pope: No quarter

Deputy Police Commissioner and all round spoil sport Rob Pope was quoted by Rabid Fire as saying that there would be "No quarter" in the battle to crack down upon precursor materials to cannabis cultivation and enablers of the illicit industry.

"We will be taking a zero tolerance approach to materials such as dirt, fertiliser, pots, sunlight, water and greenhouses. No exceptions, no excuses."

Rabid Fire's on the spot roving street team later followed a squad of heavily armed anti-terrorist police to a seemingly innocent suburban flat where all manner of contraband equipment was seized.

Mavis Thompson, 86, a pensioner, had to be tackled to the ground, tased and repeatedly pepper sprayed by police before she would allow access to her greenhouse.

"It's just tomatoes," she was heard to cry insolently as the windows of her flat were smashed out with PR 24 long batons and her vicious cat Tiddles was shot for nuzzling against an officer's leg.

"Shut the fuck up bitch," the squad leader snapped heroically as the law breaking senior citizen was bundled into the back of a waiting paddy wagon, "You're going down for a very long time."

NZ GUTTER PRESS