Key: Go fuck yourselves New ZealandPRIME Minister John Key unveiled National's controversial new Fuck Everybody policy this morning during his morning press conference at the Beehive. A triumphant Key, flanked by several large men in sunglasses, took the podium and boldly announced the National/ACT government's plans for the next term.
"We've been in power for long enough now that quite frankly we can't be bothered with all that centrist moderate bullshit you voted us in on almost a year and a half ago. I mean, you really are the stupidest bunch of arseholes. What the fuck did you expect when you voted National back into power? Fucking sunshine and lollipops? Get real you cunts."
Key then paused to high five finance minister Bill English and cackle maniacally.
"You didn't even cry that much when this bugger made you pay for his house even, so we've had a look at things, and it's time to roll out new, fresh policy to take New Zealand into the future. It's a one stop shop, one size fits all super package, and I'm sure no New Zealander will feel left out when we say Fuck Everybody."
"This government is carrying out extensive work to mine the shit out of and effectively privatise conservation land, with the profits going right offshore, but that's ok because our backers all own shares, and that's a reality in this global economy. We also plan to enact welfare reforms to get people off the dole and onto the street to give our main centres that edgy urban third world feel. All this and going pro-whaling are big moves, and in order to keep our promise to slash the public service, all these tasks will now come under the umbrella of the Fuck Everybody Ministry."
ACT MP David Garrett, freshly appointed associate Minister of Fuck Everybody, said he looked forward to creating "Fresh opportunities for our mates on the Business Roundtable", who he described as "The greatest New Zealanders since those brave boys at Gallipoli" and added that anyone who disagreed with him should be castrated.
Prime Minister Key then told the press gallery to "fuck off because I have to be back in Honolulu soon", waved cheerily, said he was relaxed about the new policy and left with a breezily casual "Go fuck yourselves New Zealand."
NZ GUTTER PRESS
pretty much exactly what's happening right?!
ReplyDeleteoh the lols. Well done.
ReplyDeleteAwesome writing and so very very true = what a sad day to see the country come to this.
ReplyDeleteWhat you have described here, very closely approximates Hitler's 1933 Enabling Act. Basically, that Act gave the National Socialist Govt the ability to enact legislation without reference to the Reichstag. Adolf, of course,also had favours he needed to return to his friends in the private sector.
ReplyDeleteLike the new blog ...
ReplyDeletewell fuck me - and John Key set about it with gusto. Well what did the morons who voted for him expect? Now the rsole is trying to get rid of MMP and those pesky Greens with it.
ReplyDeleteaaaaaaaand john is just plain GORMO. anyone else notice that?
ReplyDeletewhat you say is not even that extreme. go fuck yourself john key
ReplyDeleteWell, i see you're kinda right about some shit. But like, I'm sick of having to pay for fat fuckwits to live. Did you see those two fat fucks of women on Campbell live or whatever the other night? Complaining that they needed an extra 42 dollars or something. And bitching about how they don't have enough money for ME to pay for THEIR taxi rides BECAUSE THE FAT FUCKING COWS ARE TOO FAT TO BUS.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to get upset over $42 in the face of everything else going on at the moment you obviously don't really get what Rabid Fire is about at all.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you should be complaining about fat people to Leighton Smith or someone else suitably disposed to such bleatings.
i knew your true colours John... you wally
ReplyDeleteYou're just taking the piss out of him cause he's Jewish, just like that nice Burgess Meredith fellow.
ReplyDeleteFor Shame.
Dissappointed,
Upper Hutt
Go on then, play the anti-semitism card. It's a good get out of jail free maneuver if ever there was one.
ReplyDeleteNah, he's getting the piss taken out of him because he's a two-faced smarmy fucktard, not because he's Jewish.
ReplyDeleteHe's only Jewish when it suits him anyway.
You've got it. He's alternately said he's all sorts of things. He has all the integrity of a rattlesnake.
ReplyDeleteYou are talking about the Man I love.
ReplyDeleteFrustrated,
Upper Hutt
Now it all comes out in the wash. When did you first realise you had feelings for the unobtainable Key?
ReplyDeleteDoes it hurt how he never answers your letters?
Or do you think every secret smile is for you.
There's a box of tissues here if you need to cry.
Well it certainly sounds like something he'd say. Especially the high 5ing BillE. Twats.
ReplyDeleteThe sorry meat puppets that actually voted in this very uninspiring man et al are probably still high-fiveing themselves on 'getting rid of Helengrad' and the 'Nanny State'
ReplyDelete- not realising that they too will slowly be getting poorer along with the rest of us as NZ continues to be drained of its wealth.
This guy doesn't represent me at all - and probably never will.
He's a phony and a creep. All that talk about catching up with Australia is bullshit too. It's all about raping this country for all it's worth for the likes of billionaires like him, most of whom live offshore. He probably still would if he wasn't Arsehole in Chief at the moment.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for the next election personally.
ReplyDeleteIt's the people who are still happy they voted for him that frustrate the most. What will get through to them??
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that they won't get in for a second term, Opposition is looking weak and not making enough hay out of the situation.
ReplyDeleteScared shitless
Dunedin