Key: Go fuck yourselves New Zealand
PRIME Minister John Key unveiled National's controversial new Fuck Everybody policy this morning during his morning press conference at the Beehive. A triumphant Key, flanked by several large men in sunglasses, took the podium and boldly announced the National/ACT government's plans for the next term.
"We've been in power for long enough now that quite frankly we can't be bothered with all that centrist moderate bullshit you voted us in on almost a year and a half ago. I mean, you really are the stupidest bunch of arseholes. What the fuck did you expect when you voted National back into power? Fucking sunshine and lollipops? Get real you cunts."
Key then paused to high five finance minister Bill English and cackle maniacally.
"You didn't even cry that much when this bugger made you pay for his house even, so we've had a look at things, and it's time to roll out new, fresh policy to take New Zealand into the future. It's a one stop shop, one size fits all super package, and I'm sure no New Zealander will feel left out when we say Fuck Everybody."
"This government is carrying out extensive work to mine the shit out of and effectively privatise conservation land, with the profits going right offshore, but that's ok because our backers all own shares, and that's a reality in this global economy. We also plan to enact welfare reforms to get people off the dole and onto the street to give our main centres that edgy urban third world feel. All this and going pro-whaling are big moves, and in order to keep our promise to slash the public service, all these tasks will now come under the umbrella of the Fuck Everybody Ministry."
ACT MP David Garrett, freshly appointed associate Minister of Fuck Everybody, said he looked forward to creating "Fresh opportunities for our mates on the Business Roundtable", who he described as "The greatest New Zealanders since those brave boys at Gallipoli" and added that anyone who disagreed with him should be castrated.
Prime Minister Key then told the press gallery to "fuck off because I have to be back in Honolulu soon", waved cheerily, said he was relaxed about the new policy and left with a breezily casual "Go fuck yourselves New Zealand."
NZ GUTTER PRESS
RED PENNY - *Laurie Penny's new book is Bitch Doctrine. She says that we that we must ".. have the courage to make impossible demands - to face down ridicule and say: ...
1 hour ago