GARTH McVICAR RETURNS FROM TOUR OF BRUTAL FOREIGN JAILS
McVicar: Visibly aroused
SENSIBLE Sentencing Trust Spokesman Garth McVicar spoke to an audience of baying Rotary Club members in Tauranga this morning about his recent world tour of brutal foreign jails. An excited McVicar told of being taken through a detention facility in Uzbekistan by local officials.
"Unlike our soft, politically correct justice system, my hosts in Uzbekistan were proud to demonstrate their brand of no-nonsense corrections to me. They led me into a damp underground cell where they proceeded to wire up a tractor battery to the testicles of a local peasant suspected of goat thievery. We should be electrocuting the genitalia of teenagers suspected of tagging," McVicar ranted, mopping sweat from his brow.
"Especially if they're from uncivilised ethnic minorities, because that's the only language they understand," he added.
"In Thailand I was shown around the Bangkok Hilton where I saw an illiterate heroin addict buried up to his neck in his own feces. He definitely won't be offending again in a hurry, unlike in New Zealand where criminals are molly coddled in a criminal justice system run by ivory tower academics. They probably would have tried to teach him to read," spat the lion of middle New Zealand.
"The next stop was Guantanamo Bay, where I saw inspiring things indeed. The crying shame here is that Obama has moved to shut the facility down, which is surely political correctness gone mad, so it was a bitter-sweet occasion, but it inspired me to design a new uniform for New Zealand prisoners that will undoubtedly be shouted down by bleeding heart chardonnay socialists."
Proposed new prison uniform "From there we flew to the small city of Buttfuck, Alabama where I had the privilege of seeing the ultimate sanction meted out, something that we New Zealanders have not had the courage to do since 1957," McVicar raved, his eyes bulging and flecks of foam appearing in the corners of his mouth.
"I was given the best seat in the house to see a mentally handicapped black man with the mental age of nine strapped into the electric chair. A nine year old or someone with the brain capacity of one should be held accountable for their own actions," shouted McVicar, slamming his fist into the podium and panting heavily.
A visibly aroused McVicar, an alarming bulge growing in the front of his $30 Warehouse trousers, continued,
"This remorseless scumbag had the cheek to call the warden 'daddy' and ask if he'd see angels in heaven. It was right that two burly deputies then took turns to punch him in the stomach before strapping him down in the chair. I was quite relieved when they put a gag on him because quite frankly I was getting sick of him crying."
"Then after some prayers, the warden threw the switch and the bloody mongrel was gone forever after only ten minutes during which his hair caught fire and one of his eyes popped out."
McVicar was then seen to shudder and moan, a dark stain spreading across his crotch.
"Then the local police were kind enough to take me out for a costume party and a barbecue."