LABOUR Seat Warmer Phil Goff raged luke warmly against National's new Fuck Everybody policy to a largely indifferent audience at a West Auckland community centre this morning.
After being mistaken for a Jehovah's Witness and asked to go away several times, the mysteriously personality free Goff took the podium and outlined Labour's response to the governments tough new measures.
"I'm a bit cross at National's new Fuck Everybody policy," he droned meekly to a largely empty room, "and I want the government to know that myself and the Labour Party are mildly annoyed at this sudden swing to the right."
A lone tumbleweed was then seen to blow across the hall as a solitary cough was heard in the background.
"As the leader who will most definitely not be replaced by someone else before the next election, I want all New Zealanders to know that Labour will do things slightly differently. Not for us welfare reforms, unless we really have to, because there's no alternative, and then New Zealand, let it be known that doing so will hurt us more than it will hurt you, unlike National, who openly enjoy such doings."
"Under a Labour government, New Zealand will see no more GST hikes, because the Labour Party has never had anything to do with GST in any way ever. Cross my heart and hope to die," Goff waffled blandly to deafening silence.
"So vote Labour in 2011 for a slightly different New Zealand."
Goff, leaving to catch the bus, left behind a somewhat puzzled audience.
"Who the fuck was he?" an elderly woman was heard to ask.
NZ GUTTER PRESS
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