OBAMA STALKED BY "DELUSIONAL" NZ PM

KEY: Smitten

UNITED STATES President Barack Obama received an unexpected wake up call earlier this morning when he was serenaded from the White House lawn by a smitten New Zealand Prime Minister John Key. Key, supposedly in the US to individually fellate the entire executive board of Time Warner and chase an ever elusive free trade agreement, has been unhealthily obsessed with the 44th President of the United States for some time say experts. According to a Beehive insider, Key is said to have an entire wall of his office covered with newspaper and magazine clippings of Obama's face, and has written numerous letters to the Commander in Chief, believing himself and the leader of the Free World to be in an intimate relationship.

In an alarming breach of Capitol security, the obsessed leader of the obscure island nation is believed to have entered the White House grounds at dawn, where he then appeared beneath the President's window. There he stood with a large inflatable love heart and a portable stereo blasting the song "Love Bites" by 1980s stadium giants Def Leppard. Key is understood to have told NZ media that "Bronagh and I used to have some mean as roots" to the hit.

The disturbance at the Presidential residence has had DC awash with gossip.

"Heard there was some weird little dude on the Whitehouse lawn, hollerin' about how him and Obama was meant to be together, " recounted local man Leroy Jenkum, "Turns out he was the President of Tasmania or something. Motherfucker lucky he didn't get his ass killed."

Tourist Hank Scroocher of Minnesota witnessed tearful scenes as Key was escorted away by the Secret Service and was angry with what he saw. "I spend my hard earned money taking my wife and kids to see the greatest god damn capital city on God's earth and they see a god damn circus. If that guy the Prime Minister of Zanzibar or whoever he is can get in there that easy then I do not feel safe," ranted Scroocher, "What if radical Muslims, abortionists or members of the homosexual community were to get that close to the White House?" foamed the shaken witness, becoming visibly upset, "I do not want my children exposed to Obama's abortionistic liberal communazi death panels."

OBAMA: Embarassed

President Obama is said by Beltway sources to be "embarassed" about the incident.



NZ GUTTER PRESS

HARMLESS SENIOR ASSAULTED BY CRAZED RADICAL

Murdoch: Cuddly

GRANDFATHERLY media baron Rupert Murdoch patiently addressed the pointed questions of British MPs over the shameful News Of The World phone hacking scandal, his face a picture of hurt and concern. Moments later, the cuddly news mogul was viciously attacked with a shaving cream pie to the face by a cowardly and clearly unbalanced radical.

A frail and confused looking Murdoch wiped foam from his ancient and world weary visage, his loyal young wife still screaming for revenge, as the lunatic lefty UK Uncut activist Jonathan "Johnnie Marbles" May-Bowles was taken into custody, hopefully for a well deserved beating.

In the aftermath of the attack, British MPs admitted their shame at ever having put the mild mannered octogenarian in such a vulnerable position.

"Just looking at Mr. Murdoch sitting their quivering like a sick elderly turtle should be enough to advertise the man's innocence in this whole unfortunate affair to any decent person," said the Conservative member for Burley upon Pratt Sir Humphrey Lewington Barnyard Traditional Country Pursuits OBE.

Support for the stricken geriatric went across the house, as normally fiery backbench rebel Labour MP Stanley "Pickled Egg" Harris stated that "How anyone could think this kind, sweet man, this working class hero, could have known anything about the sickening deletion of personal messages from a dead teenager's phone after seeing him nearly snap like a dry twig in the wind from the force of that pie is completely beyond me."

British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to release a statement in the next few days to the effect that Rupert Murdoch will no longer have to answer any difficult questions relating to this "beastly business" or indeed anything else for the rest of his natural life by Royal Decree.

Mr. Murdoch's family and legions of minions are believed to be standing by the beloved patriarch at this difficult time, at least the ones who have not turned up dead yet.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

CHRISTCHURCH LOOTER TO BE PUBLICLY EXECUTED

Voorkamp: Fell down stairs

AUTISTIC Christchurch looter Arie Smith Voorkamp was denied diversion for a third time last week by police for the heinous crime of stealing two lightbulbs from a damaged building after the February 22 earthquake. This is now the last of the light fingered lad's worries as today, in a shock move, Inspector Derek Erasmus of the Christchurch police has called for his immediate public execution.

"We have concluded after researching a Facebook group full of several thousand baying, angry, semi-literate yet law abiding Cantabrians, that the only way to appease the damage done to the very heart of the city by Voorkamp is for him to pay with the ultimate penalty," grunted Inspector Erasmus in a hastily arranged press conference in front of some scenic ruins. "Let this also be a warning to any investigative reporters continuing to sew the seeds of dissent over this grave violation of public order," he continued, making a lynching gesture at the gathered media representatives.

Rabid Fire contacted CERA boss and supreme dictator of post-apocalyptic Christchurch Gerry Brownlee and pointed out the inconvenient fact that capital punishment in New Zealand was finally abolished for all offenses in 1989, and there had not been an execution since 1957.

"That is rubbish. The fact is that under the Canterbury Earthquake Recovery Act I have extraordinary powers justified by this unprecedented state of emergency, and that means I can execute whomever I like, so watch it," Brownlee stated.

Sinister Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said he "Couldn't be more enthusiastic" about the upcoming spectacle.

"This really will be the greatest thing for the Garden City since I paid a ridiculous amount of money for the Ellerslie Flower Show. We've got councellor Barry Corbett supervising the building of a gallows in Hagley Park as we speak. Barry is over the moon about this as he heartily endorsed the fatal stabbing of a teenage vandal several years ago and believes that this public display of justice will vindicate him from the shameful abuse he endured for that."

Parker has arranged for Christchurch rock heroes The Feelers and popera darling Hayley Westenra to perform in front of the scaffold to warm up the audience before Voorkamp is frog marched to his fate, and has contacted the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as "history shows the Royals love a good execution." The Mayor has also stated his intention to "Pull the lever myself, as much as Barry would love to, I think this has to be a job seen to be done by the head of the council."

Sensible Sentencing Trust spokesman Garth McVicar managed to stop masturbating furiously to prison movies long enough to release a statement about the planned execution.

"We are highly concerned about the method of execution being used. A long drop is far too good for this thieving scumbag. If he's not kicking about and pissing himself for at least fifteen minutes that sends exactly the wrong message to New Zealand. A swift and painless death is exactly the kind of soft liberal nonsense that has ruined this country. It's political correctness gone mad."

NZ GUTTER PRESS