HOWARD BROAD MEETS REAL TERRORISTS - SHITS PANTS

Broad: Sorry

FORMER Police Commissioner Howard Broad, responsible for the 2007 terror raids that lead to a farcical trial turned to tragedy as the government retroactively legalised the last four years of dodgy business, has ironically been captured by real terrorists whilst sunning himself pink in Bali.

Snatched from his beach towel by militants from Jemaah Islamiah, Broad appeared pallid and sweaty in a grainy hostage video listing the terrorist group's hard line demands.

"Well this really takes the cake doesn't it," stammered Broad, jostled by balaclava clad Jihadists, "I almost feel a bit stupid for that whole Urerewa 18 fiasco now and all those bullshit charges. These blokes really mean business. They dumped a sack in here with me and it had the severed head of their last victim in it. Lost me bloody lunch."

At this point in the video Broad is heard to whisper, "I think they're trying to decide whether to cut my head off or just shoot me" before being cuffed to the ground by his captors, after which the tape fills with static and a dishevelled ex-Commissioner re-appears to assert the conditions that must be met lest he be sacrificed to the Holy Struggle against the Zionist Crusader Alliance.

"I'm honestly really really sorry for fitting a bunch of people up so I could try out my new tough guy anti-terrorist powers. I was so wrong. Can you guys back home cut a deal with these guys? Guys? Guys..."

NZ GUTTER PRESS

HOMELESS PENGUIN TO BE RELEASED

Rodney: Enemas

A homeless Southern Right penguin, found covered in guano, walking in clockwise circles and eating from a rubbish bin behind the parliament buildings in Molesworth Street, central Wellington, is recovering slowly in the city’s animal hospital. He has required several stomach pumpings and enemas to siphon garbage out of him, all of which have been only partially successful so far.

Its rescuers nicknamed the penguin “Two Left Feet” because of his peculiar clumsy dance-like movements and his inability to make left turns when either dancing or walking. He has to walk around in a wide clockwise circle to reach an object one metre to his left, and often forgets where he is going in the meantime.

It later transpired that the penguin, a former inmate of the Thorndon Marine Zoo whose real name was Rodney, had fled from his enclosure when Donny the Hard Right orca leapt into it and took over, eating some of Rodney’s family and forcing him out on the street to fend for himself.

Southern Right penguins and Hard Right orcas have only rudimentary social skills and appear to lack any kind of empathy with other animals. Their major activity consists of finding and hoarding food, usually stealing it from other sea creatures even when they have more than enough for themselves. Most of their food stores are left to rot rather than being eaten, while being guarded jealously with vicious attacks on any underfed animal attempting to get some.

Rodney will finally be released into the wild on Saturday 26 November after being extensively rehabilitated and de-institutionalised. On release, a tracking device attached to his back will monitor his movements and an explosive charge housed inside it can be detonated if he shows signs of going anywhere near parliament grounds.

Zoo staff are pessimistic, however, as Rodney's tracking device has fallen silent upon his release back into the wild and many believe that this time there was no saving the ungainly creature from the predations of the Hard Right orcas.

K Vicious

NZ GUTTER PRESS

LAWS FLOORED BY MYSTERY PUNCH

Laws: One hit wonder

CONTROVERSIAL ex-Whanganui mayor, talkback shit stirrer and celebrity bigot Michael Laws has been king hit by a mystery assailant in the back of a pub in the small North Island town. Local police are now at a loss as to who could have been responsible for landing the punch on the caustic columnist, who "squealed like a pig" according to witnesses.

Rabid Fire was informed by investigating officer Senior Sergeant Rangi Tupai that the case could be one of the most difficult to solve for Whanganui police in recent years.

"The problem is that there are so many potential suspects, not only here in Whanganui but throughout the whole country," Tupai informed our reporter, "At the scene Mr. Laws insisted it must have been local Maori, despite the fact that the one thing we do know is that the assailant was Pakeha. In fact, Mr. Laws was found by police in a hysterical state and would not stop ranting about Maori radicals and the letter H until he was administered near lethal doses of sedatives and anti-psychotics by ambulance staff."

Presently Laws himself is insisting that his puncher "must have been a gang member", something that has also drawn a reluctantly skeptical response from Senior Sergeant Tupai.

"To be perfectly honest there's quite a few gangs in Whanganui and they've had every opportunity to get Mr. Laws for years now. If they were really serious they could have picked him off from a passing car when he was out for a jog on numerous occasions. This does not look like the work of organised crime at this stage."

Senior Sergeant Tupai told Rabid Fire that police are widening their net to investigate every possibility.

"Witnesses to the assault have described a Pakeha male in a hoody, but police are taking the gender of the assailant as being speculative at this stage as Mr. Laws has been assaulted by females in the past and we have this on record," Tupai continued, "We have also asked witnesses if they recall anything unusual about the suspect's motion such as a limp, or if any wheelchairs had been seen in the vicinity of the bar, as Mr. Laws' fractious relationship with the disabled community is a potential line of enquiry."

A tired Senior Sergeant Tupai admitted that the job could be too big for Whanganui police alone.

"There is every possibility that the assailant traveled from outside Whanganui and we are at present co-operating with other police departments trying to track down every minority group Mr. Laws has insulted or slandered in the last 20 years, and have assembled a list of every tragedy he has exploited to scream bloody murder from his bully pulpit in the Sunday Star Times since its inception."

When asked if there were any prime suspects, Senior Sergeant Tupai informed Rabid Fire that, "At the moment we are leaning towards the theory that it was children from the Otaki primary school that Mr. Laws sent an abusive letter to several years ago, all standing on one another's shoulders in some oversized clothes impersonating an adult in a cunning surprise attack."

"If anyone knows anything please step forward and contact Whanganui police so this matter can be resolved quickly and quietly. Then at least the obnoxious little shit might shut up about it," he added.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

OBAMA STALKED BY "DELUSIONAL" NZ PM

KEY: Smitten

UNITED STATES President Barack Obama received an unexpected wake up call earlier this morning when he was serenaded from the White House lawn by a smitten New Zealand Prime Minister John Key. Key, supposedly in the US to individually fellate the entire executive board of Time Warner and chase an ever elusive free trade agreement, has been unhealthily obsessed with the 44th President of the United States for some time say experts. According to a Beehive insider, Key is said to have an entire wall of his office covered with newspaper and magazine clippings of Obama's face, and has written numerous letters to the Commander in Chief, believing himself and the leader of the Free World to be in an intimate relationship.

In an alarming breach of Capitol security, the obsessed leader of the obscure island nation is believed to have entered the White House grounds at dawn, where he then appeared beneath the President's window. There he stood with a large inflatable love heart and a portable stereo blasting the song "Love Bites" by 1980s stadium giants Def Leppard. Key is understood to have told NZ media that "Bronagh and I used to have some mean as roots" to the hit.

The disturbance at the Presidential residence has had DC awash with gossip.

"Heard there was some weird little dude on the Whitehouse lawn, hollerin' about how him and Obama was meant to be together, " recounted local man Leroy Jenkum, "Turns out he was the President of Tasmania or something. Motherfucker lucky he didn't get his ass killed."

Tourist Hank Scroocher of Minnesota witnessed tearful scenes as Key was escorted away by the Secret Service and was angry with what he saw. "I spend my hard earned money taking my wife and kids to see the greatest god damn capital city on God's earth and they see a god damn circus. If that guy the Prime Minister of Zanzibar or whoever he is can get in there that easy then I do not feel safe," ranted Scroocher, "What if radical Muslims, abortionists or members of the homosexual community were to get that close to the White House?" foamed the shaken witness, becoming visibly upset, "I do not want my children exposed to Obama's abortionistic liberal communazi death panels."

OBAMA: Embarassed

President Obama is said by Beltway sources to be "embarassed" about the incident.



NZ GUTTER PRESS

HARMLESS SENIOR ASSAULTED BY CRAZED RADICAL

Murdoch: Cuddly

GRANDFATHERLY media baron Rupert Murdoch patiently addressed the pointed questions of British MPs over the shameful News Of The World phone hacking scandal, his face a picture of hurt and concern. Moments later, the cuddly news mogul was viciously attacked with a shaving cream pie to the face by a cowardly and clearly unbalanced radical.

A frail and confused looking Murdoch wiped foam from his ancient and world weary visage, his loyal young wife still screaming for revenge, as the lunatic lefty UK Uncut activist Jonathan "Johnnie Marbles" May-Bowles was taken into custody, hopefully for a well deserved beating.

In the aftermath of the attack, British MPs admitted their shame at ever having put the mild mannered octogenarian in such a vulnerable position.

"Just looking at Mr. Murdoch sitting their quivering like a sick elderly turtle should be enough to advertise the man's innocence in this whole unfortunate affair to any decent person," said the Conservative member for Burley upon Pratt Sir Humphrey Lewington Barnyard Traditional Country Pursuits OBE.

Support for the stricken geriatric went across the house, as normally fiery backbench rebel Labour MP Stanley "Pickled Egg" Harris stated that "How anyone could think this kind, sweet man, this working class hero, could have known anything about the sickening deletion of personal messages from a dead teenager's phone after seeing him nearly snap like a dry twig in the wind from the force of that pie is completely beyond me."

British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to release a statement in the next few days to the effect that Rupert Murdoch will no longer have to answer any difficult questions relating to this "beastly business" or indeed anything else for the rest of his natural life by Royal Decree.

Mr. Murdoch's family and legions of minions are believed to be standing by the beloved patriarch at this difficult time, at least the ones who have not turned up dead yet.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

CHRISTCHURCH LOOTER TO BE PUBLICLY EXECUTED

Voorkamp: Fell down stairs

AUTISTIC Christchurch looter Arie Smith Voorkamp was denied diversion for a third time last week by police for the heinous crime of stealing two lightbulbs from a damaged building after the February 22 earthquake. This is now the last of the light fingered lad's worries as today, in a shock move, Inspector Derek Erasmus of the Christchurch police has called for his immediate public execution.

"We have concluded after researching a Facebook group full of several thousand baying, angry, semi-literate yet law abiding Cantabrians, that the only way to appease the damage done to the very heart of the city by Voorkamp is for him to pay with the ultimate penalty," grunted Inspector Erasmus in a hastily arranged press conference in front of some scenic ruins. "Let this also be a warning to any investigative reporters continuing to sew the seeds of dissent over this grave violation of public order," he continued, making a lynching gesture at the gathered media representatives.

Rabid Fire contacted CERA boss and supreme dictator of post-apocalyptic Christchurch Gerry Brownlee and pointed out the inconvenient fact that capital punishment in New Zealand was finally abolished for all offenses in 1989, and there had not been an execution since 1957.

"That is rubbish. The fact is that under the Canterbury Earthquake Recovery Act I have extraordinary powers justified by this unprecedented state of emergency, and that means I can execute whomever I like, so watch it," Brownlee stated.

Sinister Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said he "Couldn't be more enthusiastic" about the upcoming spectacle.

"This really will be the greatest thing for the Garden City since I paid a ridiculous amount of money for the Ellerslie Flower Show. We've got councellor Barry Corbett supervising the building of a gallows in Hagley Park as we speak. Barry is over the moon about this as he heartily endorsed the fatal stabbing of a teenage vandal several years ago and believes that this public display of justice will vindicate him from the shameful abuse he endured for that."

Parker has arranged for Christchurch rock heroes The Feelers and popera darling Hayley Westenra to perform in front of the scaffold to warm up the audience before Voorkamp is frog marched to his fate, and has contacted the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as "history shows the Royals love a good execution." The Mayor has also stated his intention to "Pull the lever myself, as much as Barry would love to, I think this has to be a job seen to be done by the head of the council."

Sensible Sentencing Trust spokesman Garth McVicar managed to stop masturbating furiously to prison movies long enough to release a statement about the planned execution.

"We are highly concerned about the method of execution being used. A long drop is far too good for this thieving scumbag. If he's not kicking about and pissing himself for at least fifteen minutes that sends exactly the wrong message to New Zealand. A swift and painless death is exactly the kind of soft liberal nonsense that has ruined this country. It's political correctness gone mad."

NZ GUTTER PRESS