Showing posts with label rodney hide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rodney hide. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

HOMELESS PENGUIN TO BE RELEASED

Rodney: Enemas

A homeless Southern Right penguin, found covered in guano, walking in clockwise circles and eating from a rubbish bin behind the parliament buildings in Molesworth Street, central Wellington, is recovering slowly in the city’s animal hospital. He has required several stomach pumpings and enemas to siphon garbage out of him, all of which have been only partially successful so far.

Its rescuers nicknamed the penguin “Two Left Feet” because of his peculiar clumsy dance-like movements and his inability to make left turns when either dancing or walking. He has to walk around in a wide clockwise circle to reach an object one metre to his left, and often forgets where he is going in the meantime.

It later transpired that the penguin, a former inmate of the Thorndon Marine Zoo whose real name was Rodney, had fled from his enclosure when Donny the Hard Right orca leapt into it and took over, eating some of Rodney’s family and forcing him out on the street to fend for himself.

Southern Right penguins and Hard Right orcas have only rudimentary social skills and appear to lack any kind of empathy with other animals. Their major activity consists of finding and hoarding food, usually stealing it from other sea creatures even when they have more than enough for themselves. Most of their food stores are left to rot rather than being eaten, while being guarded jealously with vicious attacks on any underfed animal attempting to get some.

Rodney will finally be released into the wild on Saturday 26 November after being extensively rehabilitated and de-institutionalised. On release, a tracking device attached to his back will monitor his movements and an explosive charge housed inside it can be detonated if he shows signs of going anywhere near parliament grounds.

Zoo staff are pessimistic, however, as Rodney's tracking device has fallen silent upon his release back into the wild and many believe that this time there was no saving the ungainly creature from the predations of the Hard Right orcas.

K Vicious
NZ GUTTER PRESS

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

ECAN SACKING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH NICK SMITH'S BROTHER IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER

Nick Smith: Angry

AN angry Nick Smith lashed out at critics yesterday who have had the tenacity to suggest that the recent central government sacking of the ECan board and suspension of elections until at least 2013 had anything at all to do with all the fines his brother's dodgy crane business racked up under the old regional environment council.

"The fact that my brother Tim threw a $16,000 wobbly over a shed and said 'you useless bastards I'll get my brother onto you' has absolutely nothing at all to do with the recent suspension of democracy in Canterbury in any way whatsoever," panted Smith, his eyes wandering in separate directions.

"I am shocked and appalled that the usual critics and trouble makers would imply that anyone in this government would subvert democracy for business interests, let alone family members with business interests, and any suggestion that this is in any way corrupt not only hurts me, it hurts my brother, and it hurts cranes, and it hurts New Zealand," spluttered the unstable Nelson MP, quaking and turning even redder than usual.

"Sometimes people just don't vote properly and to implement democracy sometimes you've got to take it away from people because that's my interpretation of my mandate and the democratic thing to do or something," Smith railed, by this point in tears and standing on a table.

"That's what Rodney Hide told me anyway," he shrieked indignantly as he was then helped into a straight jacket and taken away by aides.

Hide: Loves his democracy

Rabid Fire tracked down Rodney Hide to his secret lair under an extinct volcano in Auckland where he was lying naked on a large marble slab under a giant ACT logo, being basted in orange body paint by nubile blonde interns.

"Now lets just try to remain calm about this situation," boomed Hide, "Sometimes people don't vote for our mates which any reasonable person can see is highly undemocratic, and that's when the government must step in to maintain a business environment free of government interference by interfering with the local government. Of course the PC lobby will see that as corrupt and hypocritical but our God is hungry and demands sacrifice."

Hide then rolled over, exposing a monstrous erection and laughing insanely.

"We will be greeted as liberators."

NZ GUTTER PRESS