OBAMA STALKED BY "DELUSIONAL" NZ PM

KEY: Smitten

UNITED STATES President Barack Obama received an unexpected wake up call earlier this morning when he was serenaded from the White House lawn by a smitten New Zealand Prime Minister John Key. Key, supposedly in the US to individually fellate the entire executive board of Time Warner and chase an ever elusive free trade agreement, has been unhealthily obsessed with the 44th President of the United States for some time say experts. According to a Beehive insider, Key is said to have an entire wall of his office covered with newspaper and magazine clippings of Obama's face, and has written numerous letters to the Commander in Chief, believing himself and the leader of the Free World to be in an intimate relationship.

In an alarming breach of Capitol security, the obsessed leader of the obscure island nation is believed to have entered the White House grounds at dawn, where he then appeared beneath the President's window. There he stood with a large inflatable love heart and a portable stereo blasting the song "Love Bites" by 1980s stadium giants Def Leppard. Key is understood to have told NZ media that "Bronagh and I used to have some mean as roots" to the hit.

The disturbance at the Presidential residence has had DC awash with gossip.

"Heard there was some weird little dude on the Whitehouse lawn, hollerin' about how him and Obama was meant to be together, " recounted local man Leroy Jenkum, "Turns out he was the President of Tasmania or something. Motherfucker lucky he didn't get his ass killed."

Tourist Hank Scroocher of Minnesota witnessed tearful scenes as Key was escorted away by the Secret Service and was angry with what he saw. "I spend my hard earned money taking my wife and kids to see the greatest god damn capital city on God's earth and they see a god damn circus. If that guy the Prime Minister of Zanzibar or whoever he is can get in there that easy then I do not feel safe," ranted Scroocher, "What if radical Muslims, abortionists or members of the homosexual community were to get that close to the White House?" foamed the shaken witness, becoming visibly upset, "I do not want my children exposed to Obama's abortionistic liberal communazi death panels."

OBAMA: Embarassed

President Obama is said by Beltway sources to be "embarassed" about the incident.



NZ GUTTER PRESS

BIN LADEN BREAKFAST BLUNDER

TVNZ: A culture of idiocy

BREAKFAST viewers this morning sprayed half chewed baked beans and toast all over their screens in disbelief and rage as the Most Wanted Terrorist In The World(tm) brazenly appeared in the studio poorly disguised as Santa Claus, with presenters completely oblivious to his chilling shenanigans - right in front of the PM.

Celebrity bigot and right wing extremist Paul Henry was performing his weekly lap dance and nude massage upon a beaming Prime Minister John Key whilst asking a series of patsy questions such as "Have you waved at anything nice this week," as bouncy titted co-host and vacuous strumpet Pippa Wetzell giggled inanely into the camera. So far, an ordinary morning on New Zealand's top rating, brain cell rotting breakfast infotainment show.

In the next few minutes however, the crash and tinkle of the nations tea cups collectively smashing on the lino was heard as the unthinkable happened. As the controversial Henry gyrated erotically about the Prime Ministerial groin area, a moon eyed Wetzell announced that Santa Claus himself was about to enter the studio to discuss the effects of the world wide economic meltdown on elves at the North Pole. Instead of the jolly fat man in red, in strode the evil mastermind of the global Al Qaeda terrorist network believed to be responsible for 911, and in fact, stealing Christmas.

As New Zealand reached for their asthma inhalers, Henry, Wetzell, and Key made meaningless small talk with the evil genius, utterly unaware of his true identity. Henry, sitting snug on the Prime Minister's lap, asked if he could set fire to some orphans this December as the country's leader chuckled indulgently, and Wetzell cooed at the monster and asked what his plans would be this coming holiday season.

Neither the ersatz Santa's reply of "Kill the infidel and bring the western satanic crusader zionist alliance to it's knees like a sick dog," nor his repeated statement of "Death to America", nor the fact that it is June, raised any eyebrows at all.

Viewers who had not yet spontaneously combusted jammed the TVNZ switchboard with their complaints, and video of the debacle was swiftly removed from the state owned broadcaster's website.

Later tonight, Close Up is expected to bump a story about a ten kilometre wide asteroid on a collision course with Earth for a live studio appearance from the wretched presenters and the Prime Minister where they will be given a light telling off by performing walrus Mark Sainsbury.

Academics and serious media critics cried foul over TVNZ's culture of idiocy to deafening silence, as New Zealand turned off the telly and went down the fucking pub.

NZ GUTTER PRESS

KEY "WETTING HIMSELF" OVER NUCLEAR SECURITY SUMMIT

Key: "I think a bit of wee came out"

PRIME Minister John Key addressed the usual throng of worn out hacks last week about his highly anticipated visit to Washington DC for the upcoming nuclear security summit.

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" exclaimed a wide eyed Key.

"I think a bit of wee came out", he blushed, suddenly looking downcast and agitated.

But the PM soon brightened, opening the Prime Ministerial lunchbox to show the press gallery his special lunch.

"Look! Look! Bronagh's made me special aeroplane shaped sandwiches for when I go on the aeroplane!"

Key, holding a special aeroplane shaped sandwich in each hand, then swung the bread and egg salad based sculptures above his head, beaming joyously.

"VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!," the PM said pointedly.

"When I go to America," said Key importantly, "I'm going to meet Mr Vice President, and maybe if I'm a very good boy I might get to meet Mr President, who's a very important big man."

"A very long time ago some naughty people wouldn't play with the Americans and they couldn't bring their boats here anymore. That made them sad and Mr. Palmer says I should let them bring their boats back. I like boats!"

Key was then led away by his security detail, heard asking excitedly if he could draw another flag on a napkin again.

Prime Minister Key this week met with US Vice President Joe Biden and on his knees, told him how awesome he was and begged for deferential trade treatment. A puzzled Biden asked Secret Service personnel who had let the "guy who carries the Australian Prime Minister's golf clubs around in here", before being corrected as to Key's identity, to which he told the PM "Fuck off - I've got work to do."


NZ GUTTER PRESS

NATIONAL RELEASES NEW "FUCK EVERYBODY" POLICY

Key: Go fuck yourselves New Zealand

PRIME Minister John Key unveiled National's controversial new Fuck Everybody policy this morning during his morning press conference at the Beehive. A triumphant Key, flanked by several large men in sunglasses, took the podium and boldly announced the National/ACT government's plans for the next term.

"We've been in power for long enough now that quite frankly we can't be bothered with all that centrist moderate bullshit you voted us in on almost a year and a half ago. I mean, you really are the stupidest bunch of arseholes. What the fuck did you expect when you voted National back into power? Fucking sunshine and lollipops? Get real you cunts."

Key then paused to high five finance minister Bill English and cackle maniacally.

"You didn't even cry that much when this bugger made you pay for his house even, so we've had a look at things, and it's time to roll out new, fresh policy to take New Zealand into the future. It's a one stop shop, one size fits all super package, and I'm sure no New Zealander will feel left out when we say Fuck Everybody."

"This government is carrying out extensive work to mine the shit out of and effectively privatise conservation land, with the profits going right offshore, but that's ok because our backers all own shares, and that's a reality in this global economy. We also plan to enact welfare reforms to get people off the dole and onto the street to give our main centres that edgy urban third world feel. All this and going pro-whaling are big moves, and in order to keep our promise to slash the public service, all these tasks will now come under the umbrella of the Fuck Everybody Ministry."

ACT MP David Garrett, freshly appointed associate Minister of Fuck Everybody, said he looked forward to creating "Fresh opportunities for our mates on the Business Roundtable", who he described as "The greatest New Zealanders since those brave boys at Gallipoli" and added that anyone who disagreed with him should be castrated.

Prime Minister Key then told the press gallery to "fuck off because I have to be back in Honolulu soon", waved cheerily, said he was relaxed about the new policy and left with a breezily casual "Go fuck yourselves New Zealand."

NZ GUTTER PRESS