HOWARD BROAD MEETS REAL TERRORISTS - SHITS PANTS

Broad: Sorry

FORMER Police Commissioner Howard Broad, responsible for the 2007 terror raids that lead to a farcical trial turned to tragedy as the government retroactively legalised the last four years of dodgy business, has ironically been captured by real terrorists whilst sunning himself pink in Bali.

Snatched from his beach towel by militants from Jemaah Islamiah, Broad appeared pallid and sweaty in a grainy hostage video listing the terrorist group's hard line demands.

"Well this really takes the cake doesn't it," stammered Broad, jostled by balaclava clad Jihadists, "I almost feel a bit stupid for that whole Urerewa 18 fiasco now and all those bullshit charges. These blokes really mean business. They dumped a sack in here with me and it had the severed head of their last victim in it. Lost me bloody lunch."

At this point in the video Broad is heard to whisper, "I think they're trying to decide whether to cut my head off or just shoot me" before being cuffed to the ground by his captors, after which the tape fills with static and a dishevelled ex-Commissioner re-appears to assert the conditions that must be met lest he be sacrificed to the Holy Struggle against the Zionist Crusader Alliance.

"I'm honestly really really sorry for fitting a bunch of people up so I could try out my new tough guy anti-terrorist powers. I was so wrong. Can you guys back home cut a deal with these guys? Guys? Guys..."

NZ GUTTER PRESS

HOMELESS PENGUIN TO BE RELEASED

Rodney: Enemas

A homeless Southern Right penguin, found covered in guano, walking in clockwise circles and eating from a rubbish bin behind the parliament buildings in Molesworth Street, central Wellington, is recovering slowly in the city’s animal hospital. He has required several stomach pumpings and enemas to siphon garbage out of him, all of which have been only partially successful so far.

Its rescuers nicknamed the penguin “Two Left Feet” because of his peculiar clumsy dance-like movements and his inability to make left turns when either dancing or walking. He has to walk around in a wide clockwise circle to reach an object one metre to his left, and often forgets where he is going in the meantime.

It later transpired that the penguin, a former inmate of the Thorndon Marine Zoo whose real name was Rodney, had fled from his enclosure when Donny the Hard Right orca leapt into it and took over, eating some of Rodney’s family and forcing him out on the street to fend for himself.

Southern Right penguins and Hard Right orcas have only rudimentary social skills and appear to lack any kind of empathy with other animals. Their major activity consists of finding and hoarding food, usually stealing it from other sea creatures even when they have more than enough for themselves. Most of their food stores are left to rot rather than being eaten, while being guarded jealously with vicious attacks on any underfed animal attempting to get some.

Rodney will finally be released into the wild on Saturday 26 November after being extensively rehabilitated and de-institutionalised. On release, a tracking device attached to his back will monitor his movements and an explosive charge housed inside it can be detonated if he shows signs of going anywhere near parliament grounds.

Zoo staff are pessimistic, however, as Rodney's tracking device has fallen silent upon his release back into the wild and many believe that this time there was no saving the ungainly creature from the predations of the Hard Right orcas.

K Vicious

NZ GUTTER PRESS